Yes/No, Stay/Go, Fear/Trust

Well, it has already been interesting. On Saturday, I went to get my passport and couldn't find it. I'm very careful with my passport. I keep it in an envelope, in a file folder, in a filing cabinet, in a closet. But it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I searched the whole house for two hours, fighting back panic and fear. I called the National Passport Agency, I got a voice recording saying to call back Monday. At this point, I'm think thinking my trip is not going to happen and I'm going to loose the money I paid for my ticket. I don't think even travel insurance covers such dumbness. Note to self fly out on Friday, Saturday or Sunday in the future. In the back of my mind, I knew I had it out a few days ago when I bought my train ticket for Madrid to Santiago. I was sitting on the couch at the time. I checked under it, around it, in all the crevices. Nothing. I'm thinking maybe I had a bunch of papers in my hand with the passport and accidentally threw it in the trash. I'm not above dumpster diving, but the truck had already been there and the dumpster was empty. Sigh 

At this point, my husband came into the room. In a mild, well maybe not so mild, state of hysteria. I explained the situation. He said "Did you look in my cubby hole where you put the copy you made for me?" I said, "Yes" And then, the light went on. I had made a copy for him. Maybe I left it in the copier! I ran over and lifted the copier lid, and there it was. 

This is only one in a long series of events where I get into thinking that maybe I don't want to go, maybe it won't turn out well. Not that I know what well would look like. And then something happens, like health problems, or loosing my passport. Then I'm like passionate to go. There is a tug of war going on between fear and adventure, between excitement and dread, and between curiosity and wanting not to know. I'm not afraid of external physical danger, of death or dismemberment, this is internal. I think it is about lessons I have to learn, and I am rarely excited about the opportunity for lessons. Though I do like looking for the pony. 

So, I am on the plane. Suiting up and showing up for whatever God's plan will be. If I can just remember I am not in charge, this is about, not mine.